Me: Many people say they have been reincarnated. Some are not as kooky as you think, like General George Patton. But seldom does a scientist make such a far-fetched claim. Our first guest is just such a scientist, Doctor Who!
(Applause. Lights flash as the TARDIS machine appears out of nowhere. Out steps the Doctor. Greetings. I get up to shake his hand and we take our seats.)
Me: Geez, you don't look anything like Tom Baker.
Who: That's because I regenerated into this new actor's body.
Me: You haven't degenerated at all. You look even younger.
Who: No, regenerated.
Me: Regenerated? But this show is supposed to be about reincarnation, not regeneration.
Who: Well I thought about reincarnating once, but it would take too long to grow up and learn how to build a TARDIS machine.
Me: (checking some papers on my desk) I see. Looks like they goofed again. Sorry folks. Oh well. I guess regeneration is close enough.
Who: It's roughly the same experience.
Me: Why do you regenerate?
Who: Sometimes it's because of old age, but more often it's to give my assistant variety in the bedroom.
Me: That's very thoughtful, but how do you give yourself this kind of variety?
Who: I fire my assistant and hire a new one.
Me: (after a pause) Can you remember what all your assistants were like in bed, no matter what body you occupy?
Who: Oh yes. That's important data.
Me: What was Peri like? She looked great in that bikini.
Who: Energetic. I had to regenerate early on in our relationship.
Me: Interesting... And what was Leela like? Damn, she looked fine in a miniskirt.
Who: Playful. We had a lot of fun together.
Me: I bet! I think it's great that young women can be attracted to older men.
Who: So do I.
Me: I noticed that you have a new assistant now.
Who: I do indeed.
Me: Does that mean you're finished with Peri and Leela?
(Commercial.)
Me: My next guest is an ordinary worker with an extraordinary tale. He claims to have been reincarnated a remarkable twelve times. Mister Lester Hobbes!
(Applause. Enter Hobbes. Greetings. We take our seats.)
Me: So, twelve times, eh?
Hobbes: That's right, Dave.
Me: And what sort of work do you do?
Hobbes: I make aquarium gravel.
Me: And what did you do in your last life?
Hobbes: I was a Vandal.
Me: A vandal? Did you get in trouble with the law?
Hobbes: (smiling) No, the Vandals was the name of my tribe.
Me: Oh. And in the life before that?
Hobbes: I was a king.
Me: Sounds like a step up.
Hobbes: It was.
Me: And in the life before that, what did you do?
Hobbes: I was an elf.
Me: (chuckling) An elf? Where was that? Up in Santa's Workshop?
Hobbes: No, I was a warrior elf. Then I slew a dragon and that's how I got to come back as a king.
Me: (after repeating his words back to myself) Wait a minute. Those are all lives in that online fantasy role-playing game, Swords and Soothsayers!
Hobbes: So?
Me: This show is supposed to be about real lives!
Hobbes: Then why did I hear about it from the White Wizard?
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Commercial: The Spellbound Spell-Check Spelling Checker
(A chairman stands before his Board, reading a speech.)
Chairman: ...and we protect that we shall attribute our moles within the next two to four beers. (He smiles sheepishly as his listeners look at each other in confusion. Later on in the office he talks to his writers.)
Chairman: That was the worst speech you guys have come up with yet!
Head Writer: It's not us. It's this damn spell-checking software. It keeps changing our spelling errors into different words.
Chairman: Well you better do something about it or the next thing you'll be writing is a letter of application for a new job!
Announcer: Tired of well spelled gibberish? Don't let your computer think for you. Get Spellbound, the amazing new spell-check spelling checker. It knows how to correct whole sentences until your work is flowing with good syntax.
(Back in the Boardroom.)
Chairman: ...and the man on the moon has no harem of slave girls to teach him how to pass a pregnancy test. (He smiles confidently as his listeners applaud.)
Board Member #1: I still don't understand him.
Board Member #2: Yeah, but at least he's coherent this time.
Announcer: The Spellbound Spell-Check Spelling Checker. Whatever you do, don't read it for yourself.
--------------------------------------------
Me: My last guest only remembers one past life, but it promises to be a real one. Mister Randolf Butler!
(Applause. Enter Butler. Greetings. We reseat ourselves.)
Me: So you were really reincarnated, right?
Butler: Yes.
Me: Really?
Butler: Yes, really.
Me: How do you know for sure?
Butler: I can just sense it somehow.
Me: In what way?
Butler: I feel like I have somehow evolved. I think reincarnation is a kind of evolution of the soul.
Me: That's most compelling. In what ways do you think you have improved?
Butler: Well, for starters, I'm a much better artist. I couldn't draw human heads before. But now I can draw them quite well.
Me: Yes, those can be hard to do.
Butler: And I've become more musically open-minded. I even like your music.
Me: Thank you.
Butler: And I don't hate Jews any more. I want them on my side so I can kill all the Newfies. And I plan to be a lot more merciful and quick in how the genocides are carried out this time.
(I pause to examine my guest.)
Me: I see. You know what? Our lighting technician hails from Labrador. Would you like to meet him? He used to play for the Argos. Come on out here and meet our guest, Graham! Back with a song in two minutes, folks.
(Enter the formidable looking Graham, punching his hand eagerly. Fear shows on Butler's face.)
(Commercial.)
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