Me: Wrongful convictions. We hear about them on the news and forget about them the next day. But the victims must somehow find the strength and the courage to move on with their brutally interrupted lives. The first of my guests knows what it's like. He's just received his walking papers from Fairview Institution after a grievous misunderstanding. Mister Allan Morningstar!
(Applause. Enter Morningstar. I shake his hand and we take our seats.)
Me: So! It must feel good to walk the streets again.
Morningstar: It would if I could. I'm always broke, so I have nowhere to walk.
Me: Still, I bet it's nice to have your privacy back.
Morningstar: Actually, I had more privacy in my cell before I had all this publicity.
Me: You can eat the food you like.
Morningstar: When I have money, sure. But the prison cafeteria offered more than soup.
Me: What about the women then? Don't they bring you a smile?
Morningstar: They were more into me when they thought I was guilty. I even had a groupie. Now I can't even find a girlfriend.
Me: Aren't you at least glad that your name has been cleared?
Morningstar: I guess it helps out here. But the charge against me was for killing a warden so that gave me all the respect I needed inside.
Me: Can you think of anything positive about being a free man?
Morningstar: (after pausing to think of an answer) You can do your time and it's over before you know it.
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Commercial: Immobiline Paralyzing Cream.
(A man fails to find a comfortable position on his couch as he watches television.)
Announcer: Lying still can be a challenge.
(He goes to the washroom and slides open the medicine cabinet.)
Announcer: That's why you need Immobiline paralyzing cream.
(He takes out the product and applies it to his neck before the mirror.)
Announcer: Immobiline penetrates deep down to relieve the ache of muscle atrophy...
(He returns to his place in front of the television and stretches out with ease.)
Announcer: ...so you can get on with your day. Immobiline paralyzing cream.
(A closeup of the man's smiling face out on the sidewalk.)
Announcer: Prime yourself for a softer life.
(Cue whirring electric motor. Pan out to show that he is riding a powered wheelchair.)
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Me: My next guest is struggling to pick up the pieces of his life after being incarcerated for someone else's sex offence. Let's let him know we're behind him, folks. Wilbur Bates!
(Applause. Enter Bates. I shake his hand and then find I have to wipe my hand against my pant leg. We take our seats.)
Me: I can only imagine what a terrible ordeal that must have been for you.
Bates: Yes it was. There's no prestige for that kind of crime - inside or out.
Me: But the victim, an eight-year-old girl, turned out to be lying. Why?
Bates: I don't know. I guess she didn't like my face.
Me: But you've been compensated now, right?
Bates: Oh yes. I've received a princely sum.
Me: That's great. What will you do with all your money?
Bates: I want to invest it in my own business.
Me: Great! Want to tell the folks at home about it?
Bates: It's a talent agency for young swimsuit models.
Me: I see. So you meet them and take their picture -
Bates: That's right. And I put it on my web site so they can find work.
Me: What's it called?
Bates: Hot Little Tots.
Me: (after a pause) Getting lots of hits with that?
Bates: Oh yeah.
Me: Well you'll be getting a lot more as soon as you leave the safety of this stage. (to the camera) We'll be right back, folks.
(Commercial.)
Me: Hindsight is a non-profit organization that has been working tirelessly on behalf of the wrongfully convicted for over ten years. With us now to tell us more is its founder and chairman, Mister Lloyd Palmer!
(Applause. Enter Palmer. We shake hands and take our seats.)
Me: Why do you care so much about the wrongly convicted?
Palmer: Someone has to.
Me: What changes can we make to the system to lighten the workload for people like yourself?
Palmer: We need to crack down on witnesses.
Me: Are you sure that's wise? I mean, we don't want to discourage them.
Palmer: Dave, these witnesses have been getting away with murder convictions. Enough is enough.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Palmer: They need to be strictly tested for reliability.
Me: How?
Palmer: With everything in the book. They need an eye examination. Then a hearing test. Then a lie detector test. Then they should be examined by a physician. They should do push-ups and sit-ups and be able to run on the spot for at least five minutes without too much change to their blood pressure. Then detectives need to get on the phone and call all their friends and relatives and ask if they can be trusted. If they're women, a strip search may be necessary to find out if they're hiding anything. And if any information is found that discredits them, they need to be hauled out in front of the cameras and humiliated. And their names should be entered onto a permanent file so that no one listens to them ever again.
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