Me: We often hear about the struggles of parents, but seldom do we look at life through the eyes of the parented. Tonight, on location in the castle of Jovial the Giant, we'll be focusing on this small minority. And I found a nice cozy room here that seems to have everything. It has a chair and a sofa and a fireplace. There's a rocking chair for those that like to rock and - (I sit down in the rocking chair when the floor shakes and the light dims as from a great shadow.)
Giant: (with voice coming from above, reverberating with hall echo) Is that you, Dave?
Me: (looking up) Is that you, Jove? So that opening scene on your show with your hands was really to scale. It's Jovial the Giant, everybody!
(Applause. The shadow spreads.)
Me: (looking up) Is that you Jeremiah?
Giraffe:(echoing like the giant) Hi, Dave.
Me: Jeremiah the Giraffe, folks!
(Applause)
Me: Is Chuckles the Chicken with you, too?
Giant: No. He's home with a note from his doctor.
Me: Well it's a good thing or we'd have no light at all. But after decades-long careers as hosts of a popular children's program, how do you stay on top?
Giant: I think it's because of my size. We giants always seem to end up dominating our fields.
Me: I've noticed that. (switching to eye-level) Uh - Is that your cat? She's been fed, right?
(Commercial.)
Me: With us next is a community leader who thinks today's schools are too soft - Councillor Glen Masters!
(Applause. Enter Masters. Greetings. I return to the rocker. Masters takes the guest chair.)
Me: Now, you want to put schoolchildren in uniforms.
Masters: I do.
Me: Why?
Masters: Because uniforms help to discourage self expression.
Me: And you want to abolish recess.
Masters: Yes.
Me: Why?
Masters: Because it just makes students hate the rest of their school day.
Me: And you say we need a return to corporal punishment in our schools.
Masters: Only for the bad children.
Me: Oh? And who might those be?
Masters: You know, the trouble-makers. We could start with the artists. Even if they're not rebelling, we know they want to.
Me: (after struggling to keep my composure) Councillor, behind you you'll find an enormous ball of yarn. It's as big as you are but it's light as a feather. Could you please walk it over to that little house on your way out?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Commercial: The Angel of Stealth.
(Two boys fly their kites in a park.)
Boy #1: Whose is that one?
Boy #2: I don't know.
(Show product closing in on the boys' kites.)
Announcer: Rule the skies of your park with the Angel of Stealth.
(Product's guns shoot down one of the boy's kites.)
Boy #1: Did you do that?
Boy #2: I didn't do anything!
(Product's missile scores a hit on the other boy's kite, which tumbles down in flames.)
Announcer: And if someone has something to say about it...
Boy #2: It's all coming from that one!
Boy #1: Look! It's dropping something on us.
Announcer: ...it'll answer back in kind.
(Explosion.)
The Angel of Stealth. At last a kite than do more than just fly.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(I have the rocking chair. Two boys share the sofa.)
Me: The Vincent brothers have both made the cut for the Olympic marbles team this year. We're pleased to have such world-class competitors with us. Which are you, Trevor or Kirby?
T. Vincent: I'm Trevor.
Me: Right.
T. Vincent: Kirby looks like Alfalfa.
K. Vincent: I do not!
T. Vincent: Do too.
Me: How did you develop such deadly aim?
T. Vincent: Aim? I don't aim.
Me: No? Then how did you do it, Kirby?
T. Vincent: Kirby throws like a girl.
K. Vincent: I do not!
T. Vincent: Do too.
Me: But if neither of you can throw, how do you win?
T. Vincent: Daddy says it's in the blood. He works in a marble factory, so he just gives us a hundred pound sack and with that we can chuck em away by the handful and still make it to the finals. Then after the game the other players trade us for the ones we have left.
Me: And there you have it, folks. You stand your ground and try not to lose your marbles. That's what it takes in the dog-eat-homework world of the parented.
(Commercial.)
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