Me: In the drive to provide honest citizens with a better justice system, new methods of apprehending criminals are constantly being developed. My guests tonight are all leading law enforcement pioneers. The first one is an expert in the dynamic field of forensic art, Detective Warren Hogarth!
(Applause. Enter Hogarth. I rise to my feet and applaud but stay behind my desk. We shake hands when he reaches centre stage and we take our seats.
Me: So you know all about a person just by looking at their art?
Hogarth: That's my job.
Me: What do you make of this? (I pull out a sheet of paper from a desk drawer and hand it to him with a confident air.)
Hogarth: (after a brief examination) Classic arrested personality disorder.
Me: (worried) Arrested? What do you mean?
Hogarth: There's a level of sophistication in the technique, but the subject matter is hopelessly juvenile.
Me: What, you don't like Snoopy? (I take back the drawing and put it back in the drawer.)
Hogarth: Oh. Is that who it was? I thought it was a badly drawn naked woman.
Me: (smiling to camera) Time for a commercial!
Hogarth: Who drew it?
Me: Couldn't tell you. Found it in the lunch room! (to camera) And now a word from our sponsors.
Hogarth: Can I see it again? Whoever drew it may have to be hauled in for questioning. That mind is deeply disturbed.
Me: (to camera) Will you go to a commercial, for crying out loud?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Commercial: Equine Velvet Aftershave
(Rancher Jimmy grooms himself in the stable as he chats with a horse.)
Horse: Are you going steady with Mary Jane now?
Jimmy: As a matter of fact, she's meeting me here and I'm taking her to the movies.
Horse: Well if you're feeling so good, why don't you let me have a splash of that aftershave?
Jimmy: You mean my Equine Velvet? Hell, why not?
(He douses the animal.)
Horse: Well now. That feels real nice.
(Enter Mary Jane.)
Mary Jane: Hi Jimmy!
Jimmy: Hi Mary Jane! Are you all ready for the movie?
Mary Jane: (sniffing her way over to the horse) I don't know. (drawing deeply from the animal's hide) I think maybe I'd rather go horseback riding alone.
Jimmy: Aw! Not again!
Horse: Who's scoring now, hotshot?
Announcer: Equine Velvet. The smell of champion thoroughbreds.
(Mary Jane enjoys a personal adventure on horseback.)
Announcer: Keeping you hot to trot.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Me: As unique as a fingerprint are the squiggles and strokes of a person's handwriting. With us next is a woman who had to learn how to read between these particularly challenging lines, handwriting expert, Doctor Susan Austin!
(Applause. Enter Austin. I get up and shake her hand. Then I hug her.)
Me: So you know all about a person just by looking their handwriting?
Austin: That's what they pay me for.
Me: Well then, what do you make of this? (I produce a page of note paper from the desk drawer and give it to her. She puts on her glasses and starts looking it over.)
Austin: Hm. Tall capital letters indicate rampant narcissism.
Me: Narcissism? That means good in track and field, right?
Austin: No, it means obsessed with one's own beauty. Hm. Yes. And these underlined words indicate egomania.
Me: But without underlines how do you make up for not having italics?
Austin: Crossing two t's with one stroke. Laziness. A shortcut taker.
Me: Is there anything good on there?
Austin: (after making me wait) The way the i's are dotted.
Me: Great! What does it mean?
Austin: That the writer has unreadable palms.
(I lift my hands to inspect them at close range.)
Austin: Aha! This is your hand!
Me: (hands dropping to my desk) What? I was just checking the time. (to camera) And it's time again for a time-out.
(Commercial.)
Me: She's a preeminent zoologist whose research with dogs has been hailed as a breakthrough in both academic and law enforcement circles, Doctor Karen Carruthers!
(Enter Carruthers with her trained dog. I can't resist getting out of my chair to go over to it and pet it. Suddenly it growls and I draw back for an instant.)
Me: (chuckling) That's a fierce sounding growl!
Carruthers: She only makes that sound around an animal hater. I'm not going to find your cat in the freezer, am I?
Me: Don't be silly. (I go back to petting the dog.)
Carruthers: The microwave?
Me: I don't even have a cat.
Carruthers: (muttering to herself) Of course. What do you expect from an animal hater?
Me: What did you say?
Carruthers: Look at that!
Me: What?
Carruthers: See the way she changed her ears when she smelled your hand? She only does that when she senses a danger to children.
Me: (pausing to absorb the insult) How very odd.
Carruthers: She's usually right.
Me: Well she's way off this time.
Carruthers: Look at that!
Me: What is it now?
Carruthers: She's looking at you suspiciously. She only does that when she spots a terrorist. Are you planning to destroy any bridges or railroads?
Me: (to camera) We'll be right back. (to Carruthers) She's looking at me suspiciously? Are you nuts? Are you trying to get me in trouble?
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