Hairy monsters and slimy sea serpents. Men like them. Women don't. At least, that's how it seems on the surface. We'll be looking at this divisive subject tonight with a few guests who can help us see the other side of it. The first one is nothing short of a local phenomenon. Let's have a nice big hand for Bigfoot!
(Applause. Enter Bigfoot, smiling and waving. I stand and clap as he comes over to sit in the guest chair.)
Me: People may have the wrong idea about you from your media image.
Bigfoot: What do they say about me?
Me: That you are a marauding primate.
Bigfoot: I don't get it. Take a look at any picture of me. Am I not always alone? Am I not always minding my own business? I think the media's just stirring up another fear frenzy.
Me: But you scare people when you walk around.
Bigfoot: I can't help that. I don't have a car.
Me: Do you have pastimes that keep you out of trouble?
Bigfoot: I do. I like building model airplanes. And I like barefoot skiing and barefoot surfing.
Me: And you say you can't let women get near you because of the pain they cause. I know relationships can be hard, but you have to move on.
Bigfoot: No, not that kind of pain. I mean from bullet wounds. Like the one I took to my ankle the other day. And another one grazed my cheek not too long ago. Got to keep em at a distance, you know, when they're armed.
Me: Oh. Do they shoot at you more then the men?
Bigfoot: Oh yeah. The men might shoot once or twice, but they let me go if I'm running for my life. The women always want to keep on shooting. They don't like to see me moving around at all.
Me: Well hopefully some women will now see that you're just a bit gun-shy and this thing in the press is all a misunderstanding. Bigfoot, folks! (Applause.) Single and available to all the pretty ladies!
(Commercial.)
(The guest chair is open as Bigfoot sits on the couch.)
Me: We move our focus now to an Asian mountain range where the tales of my next guest have become as familiar as their complimentary campfires, the Snowman!
(Applause. Enter Snowman. Bigfoot and I stand up and clap. Snowman goes to the guest chair and we all sit.)
Me: Trigger-happy women. Is this a problem for hairy monsters?
Snowman: Not for me. We don't have guns in my region.
Me: Why not?
Snowman: Because of all the snowy mountains. A gunshot can cause an avalanche.
Me: Lucky for you.
Snowman: Yes. We have more respect for life because the slightest vibration can kill us all.
Me: Still, they must aim something at you.
Snowman: Arrows, harpoons, blow-gun darts, lasers. You know, the quieter projectiles.
Me: I thought so. The men - or?
Snowman: The women. The men hunt for food, but the women seem to want to gentrify the wildlife or something. They don't even like to see me doing my laundry outdoors.
Me: Have you ever been wounded by a woman?
Snowman: I took a spear to my shin last week. It hurt like hell. I cried out in pain, but that just made her laugh harder at me.
Me: Well you know what? Maybe they can laugh at you for being a hideous abomination, but they didn't have what it takes to be featured on this freak show.
Snowman: Thanks, Dave.
Me: The Snowman, everyone!
(Commercial.)
(The guest chair is open as Bigfoot and Snowman share the couch.)
Me: My final guest has been playing havoc with small fishing boats and making liars out of drunken shepherds for centuries now. Here it is, the Lochness Monster!
(Applause. Enter Monster. Greetings.)
Dutchie: Do call me Dutchie.
Me: Dutchie? Certainly. Dutchie, you are said to belong to the prehistoric dinosaur family.
Dutchie: That's right. I'm actually related to the brontosaurus, which liked to keep its feet wet but stayed mostly on land.
Me: And you're supposed to be wise because you've lived for centuries.
Dutchie: Centuries? Where did you get that?
Me: That's how old your legend is.
Dutchie: Do you mean to tell me that you thought it was the same creature you've been seeing ever since the legend started? Why wouldn't we reproduce, like any other species?
Me: Then why are you alone? Were you hurt by a woman in scuba gear?
Dutchie: Not at all. I have no interest in women.
Me: Because you couldn't find the right one?
Dutchie: No. Because I lay eggs. As a matter of fact, I just left some on the couch in the waiting room backstage. I wonder how they're doing.
Bigfoot: Excuse me. Are they light blue with little orange specks on them?
Dutchie: Why yes! Did you check to see if they're warm enough?
Bigfoot: Oh don't worry. I moved them to a place with plenty of body heat.
Dutchie: How very thoughtful! Wait a minute. Did you eat my young? You MONSTER!
(The room shakes as Bigfoot and Dutchie go at it. Snowman retreats offstage.)
Me: Well folks, that's all the time we have. But I hope it's left us with something to think about as we head off for another weekend - possibly on a hunting trip. Remember. Monsters are people, too.
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Commercial: Work-Mate Brand Worker Replicants
(A man sits at his desk with nothing to do.)
Announcer: Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to fill in for you at work once in a while? Maybe it's time you learned how stunning advances in the science of D.N.A. manipulation can work for you with the revolutionary new Work-Mate.
(The doorbell rings in the man's home. He answers the door, signs for the giant package, and leaves the exhausted delivery men untipped.)
Announcer: Send us a sample of your DNA, along with a certified cheque or money order for eight thousand dollars, and we'll ship you your very own Work-Mate. Operated by remote control, it looks like you, talks like you, and can be programmed with up to three of your favourite one-liners.
(The Work-Mate sits at the man's desk with nothing to do. It is visible to outside workers through the window.)
Worker #1: That's not him.
Worker #2: What do you mean?
Worker #1: There's just something strange about him.
Announcer: The Work-Mate even knows how to use a washroom.
(The Work-Mate gets up from the desk and walks past the workers.)
Worker #2: Where's he going?
Worker #1: To the washroom.
Worker #2: I told you it was him.
Worker #1: I guess I was wrong.
(Crammed into a nearby closet, the product user shines a flashlight at the instructions booklet and nervously handles the remote control.)
Announcer: Let your fingers do the working with a Work-Mate brand worker replicant! Time's a-wasting!
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