Me: They are the visionaries. They stand over their scaled down models of shopping centres and high-rises much the same way as Adolf Hitler once did with Albert Speer, pretending to be giants whose fists can squash whole armies. I speak to you of urban planners. We'll be joined by three of them tonight, each of whom has a monumental mark to leave for posterity and all of whom deem public washroom facilities as some kind of eyesore. We'll begin our discussion with a man who thinks that today's structures are too monolithic and may be taking a toll on our humanity - whatever that is. Would you please welcome Joseph Gravelton!
(Applause. Enter Gravelton.)
Me: Mister Gravelton, when I went to Europe, I was immediately struck by the beauty of their cityscapes. Their buildings have age and character and their roads tend to wind, rather than all running in a straight line within a dull matrix pattern. Are these the kinds of things you think are missing in modern urban layouts?
Gravelton: Actually, so much of Europe had to be rebuilt after the bombings of World War Two that its warm complexion is largely an illusion.
Me: Well it sure fooled me.
Gravelton: It's a step in the right direction. But Europe still fails in my books.
Me: Why?
Gravelton: Because they use those cursed bricks. And if they're not using bricks, they're using blocks. What is it with builders today? They all seem determined to turn the whole world into some kind of giant Lego-land.
Me: What about those old cathedrals built out of uncut stones?
Gravelton: Too disjointed looking.
Me: Well then, what's left?
Gravelton: Good old fashioned slabs.
Me: Slabs? You mean make the whole wall out of one piece of stone?
Gravelton: Exactly. One slab for each of the walls and one more for the roof. Punch some holes for the door and windows, get some animal skins for the drapes, maybe hang a picture of a sabre-toothed tiger, and you're all ready to start living right.
Me: Uh - I used to operate heavy equipment and I'm not sure there are many machines that could handle that kind of a workload.
Gravelton: Yes, I have a problem with heavy machinery. It's what's making everything around us look so artificial.
Me: Certainly you're not suggesting we labour by hand to build such homes.
Gravelton: Of course, not.
Me: Then how?
Gravelton: With dinosaur power, my boy! An adult brontosaurus could more than handle the load!
Me: (after a long pause to study my guest) And when we're all done, we can call it Bedrock, right?
Gravelton: Don't think so small. New Rock City!
Me: Of course. How pedestrian of me. Well. I'd love to hear more but I wouldn't want you to miss your pterodactyl flight home. Joseph Gravelton, folks! (Applause.)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Commercial: Save Dave
(The future. I haven't killed myself yet and I sit at a table to sign first editions of my best selling book for my fans. A young mother approaches me with her preschool-aged child.)
Mother: Dave, my husband and I are your biggest fans.
Me: Thank you!
Mother: (holding out book) Could you please include my son in the autograph?
Me: Sure. What's the little gaffer's name?
Mother: Dean.
Announcer: The injuries inflicted by intellectual property thieves can last a lifetime. We can't go back in time and undo the harm they cause to their victims. But we can take steps to protect artists in the present.
(The mother at home in her kitchen, listening to jreamer1's Leg It Up on her transistor radio. She has her hands on her child's arms and is making him move in time to the music.)
Announcer: Before you surrender your heart and/or your money to a new industry favourite, stop.
(A needle scratch terminates the music. The mother looks at the camera with a serious expression.)
Announcer: Ask yourself what makes them think they can sail past Dave when he still hasn't been paid for his stolen music. Ask yourself how the industry found the money to push these upstarts while they've left poor Dave to pay his own way out of a crumby welfare cheque.
(The mother on the phone as her child sits on her lap.)
Announcer: Then get on the phone to all your family and friends and organize a protest.
(The mother makes a picket sign alongside her finger-painting tot.)
Announcer: Write catchy slogans onto picket signs in enormous letters that say things like NO BROOD FOR SPOILS! or GIVE DAVE A CHANCE!
(The protest group at large.)
Announcer: Then get together and surround the offender's headquarters or satellite office. There you may hold up your signs to passing cars as you loudly voice your support with repetitive chants like 1-2-3-4! WHAT IS DAVID WAITING FOR? Keep a supply of rocks handy to throw at the motorists who disagree with you.
(A reporter shows up to cover the event.)
Announcer: If your civil action makes it onto the news, the Foundation to Save Dave will show you how to make your very own authentic I SAVED DAVE pin with a piece of cardboard, a felt marker, scotch tape, and a safety pin.
(The book signing. I catch sight of a crudely lettered cardboard pin on the mother's coat that reads 'I SAVED DAVE' and smile.)
Me: I'd be happy to do that for you. And what is your name?
Mother: Crystal.
Announcer: Dave went to Hell for merely deleting his own work from the internet. Don't let the business make him delete himself over it. Only you and everyone you know can save Dave!
(I sign the book while slowly shaking my head with incredulity.)
Announcer: Brought to you by the Foundation to Save Dave.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Me: Our next guest has devoted herself to the problem of how to cut down on the cost of building materials. Kathleen Carter!
(Applause. Enter Carter.)
Me: You transferred into urban planning from another field. Is that right?
Carter: Yes. I started out as a set designer for a film production crew.
Me: Why the change?
Carter: I thought my skills would be better applied to real settings, rather than imaginary ones.
Me: And your competitors say you've revolutionized construction in terms of cost cutting. How did you do it?
Carter: I guess I just looked at the problem from a distance.
Me: And what did it tell you?
Carter: It told me that expensive new properties were going to waste with virtually no people inside them.
Me: So you found a way to make them more accessible to people.
Carter: No, I found a way to make them less expensive. I figured that as long as no one was ever going to live or work in these structures, they might as well not cost so much.
Me: You mean you design them without any thought to their occupation?
Carter: It's called thinking ahead.
Me: But how do you get around all the safety inspections and fire inspections?
Carter: By giving them nothing to inspect. We simply prop up a full scale billboard image of a completed project and move on to the next one.
Me: (after a pause) How two-dimensional of you.
Carter: It saves money.
Me: Great. Say hi to Simon for me the next time you're passing through the Land of Chalk Drawings, will you? (to camera) Kathleen Carter! She looks at the problem from a distance.
(Applause. Commercial.)
Me: He's one of Tokyo's foremost urban planners. All the way from the islands of Japan, Mister Kooky Jakoozi!
(Applause. Enter Jakoozi, carrying an attache case. He bows low. I bow lower. He looks up and sees that I'm bowing lower and lowers himself more. I fall to my knees and kiss his shoes. He laughs. I stand up. He bows again, causing me to bow again. We come out of our bows at the same time and bump heads. We go to our seats, rubbing our noggins.)
Me: Mister Jakoozi, thank you for coming so far out of your way to be here with us tonight.
Jakoozi: (speaking Japanese with English subtitles) It is an honour to be here.
Me: What do you think makes a good, sound design, in terms of urban planning?
Jakoozi: Well, a good design takes into account three vital attributes: style…
Me: Yes. Your cities are certainly attractive.
Jakoozi: Economy-
Me: Right. I've noticed how your people have even broken down chests of drawers into sublet units.
Jakoozi: …and transformability.
Me: Transformability? (touching my earpiece) Did the translator get that right? Don't you mean adaptability?
Jakoozi: No, I mean transformability. A good design should be able to transform itself into something else.
Me: I'm not sure I follow you.
Jakoozi: Here, let me show you. (He flips open his attache case on his lap and a model of a man on horseback unfolds with a hydraulic whir.)
Me: Well would you look at that! Isn't that clever, the way it unfolds from nothing. Who is it?
Jakoozi: This is a scaled down model of a five-hundred-foot-high statue of Paul Revere - a birthday present for the Americans. It's scheduled to be shipped by helicopter, one piece at a time, to Washington D.C. There it will be assembled and unveiled on their next Independence Day.
Me: How thoughtful!
Jakoozi: Yes. Room inside for a full brigade of skilled military technicians.
Me: Why do you need those?
Jakoozi: For this! (He pushes a button and the model transforms into a little Godzilla.)
Me: Good God! (reaching into my shirt pocket for my cigarette pack and opening it with shaky hands.)
Jakoozi: No, it's Godzilla.
Me: I know what it is. (I pull out a smoke and put it between my lips.)
Jakoozi: Need a light? (With another push of a button the mini-monster leaps onto my desk, walks over to me, and lights my cigarette with its fiery breath.) When we let its full sized version loose on the streets of Washington, those damn Yankees will know they should have had a more positive attitude about Pearl Harbour.
Me: (blowing smoke out my nostrils) I see. I guess they did go a little overboard on the payback. But we don't have to worry about that in this country.
Jakoozi: Not until the following year when on Canada Day a small statue of Terry Fox turns into a giant, axe-wielding Big Joe Muffaraw that shoots poison gas out of its rear end and embarks on a trail of destruction through downtown Ottawa! That'll teach you Canadians to unjustly imprison your Japanese civilians during wartime!
Me: You're insane! You'll never get away with it! Especially now that you've exposed your evil plot!
Jakoozi: Yeah right! On this show? Who's watching? (He succumbs to laughter.)
Me: Kooky Jakoozi, folks! (Applause. Jakoozi smiles and bows his head to the camera.) Hoping to make work for the construction trade on this continent for years to come. Back with a song after this.
No comments:
Post a Comment